Trusting God.

This post is going to be very thought driven.

In a comment on the post below this one is a link to a post that has made me think very long and hard....

I have this unshakable desire to have a child, like stated in the post below. Every logical bone in my body is telling me it would be very foolish even selfish to bring a child into this world right now because of money and insurance issues. But, I can't help but think God is giving me this urge for a reason. That he wants me to put the decision in his hands and to trust him.

For a long time I had no trust or love for him which over the past months has changed drastically. I almost feel that God is trying to break the last bit of fear and uncertainty I have about him away by giving me these feelings for such an important situation.

I am left with so many questions though. What if I'm wrong? If I get pregnant will he make every thing ok? Will I even get pregnant before these issues are resolved? Will I get pregnant at all? I guess this is where the trust is sopposed to come in.

Besides all this I am on the pill and normally I felt nothing wrong about this but now, now it's different.

The pill makes you not ovulate but it also makes the lining of your uterus thinner so even if you did conceive the embryo wouldn't implant. Have I accidentally killed a child? This thought is wretching my brain. I am very pro-life so the thought that I might have killed a living being is sickening me. Could this have possibly happend? I need to pray long and very hard sbout this.

I also definitely think DH and I will have a very long talk about me getting off the pill. Not actively try for a child but to just put it in his hands. I don't think he will like this idea though. I know he wants a child very very badly, but the possibility of actually bringing one into this world when we could possibly not be ready may not go over so well. We will see.

I will pray tonight about this and read my bible ( the first time in a very long time) and see what happens.